Waiting for the Inevitable

I had a long phone conversation with my sister, Ann, last night. She is five years older than I and we have always been close. She had an affair with a much older man that lasted long enough for her to realize that she needed to leave her husband. Over a year ago, she left her seemingly "perfect life" (in my estimation, she "had it all") and moved in with her lover. She had two kids in college and two in high school at the time, but she was determined to find happiness.

Ann had been a stay-at-home mom for most of the marriage and she found herself in need of finding a job in order to support herself. Her lover, Aiden, continues to work--but Ann didn't want to feel dependent on his income. She and Aiden married several months ago in a small, private ceremony *not* attended by any of her children--who want absolutely nothing to do with Aiden.

My former brother-in-law, an attorney, hammered out the divorce agreement and my sister agreed and signed. Aside from her personal items, she received nothing for all the years she spent raising the children. Understandable, I suppose, but I still view it as grossly unfair. My brother-in-law helped create the environment (i.e., married to his job) that led to her departure. I feel  that she should have walked away with *something*. I think, however, that walking away was enough for her.

So, after the usual chit-chat that normally begins our call, the conversation turned more serious What, Ann wanted to know, would I do if my husband, Dave, found out about my affair with Drake? What would I do? Where would I go? Did I have a plan?

I told her that I had absolutely no idea what I would do.

She is very concerned that I will be blindsided if (when?) the day of reckoning arrives. I live in a very expensive county and I would not be able to afford a decent place on my own. I could move to another county, but that would take me away from Drake. I know he would drive to see me, but that's not the point.

I continue to delude myself.

I sit here, surrounded by all the items Dave and I have accumulated over the years. Family photos are especially hard to look at. Then there is the wedding anniversary card from my oldest son who wrote, "Thanks for keeping the band together!" sitting out on a table.

I'm not certain I have the guts to leave.

I know I'm living a charade.

Where will the kids go? They aren't yet ready to live on their own. Would they live with me? With Dave? Fortunately, my oldest is going to graduate from our local community college in May. I hope he finds a decent job in his field and continues his education. My youngest has spoken about moving in with friends in the South sometime in the future. Fortunately, he would be close to where my parents retired.

When Drake and I were eating lunch together on Friday, a young woman walked by, smiled, and said hello. Drake smiled and then gave me a long look. He said she was a friend of one of his daughters from his first marriage.

He didn't seemed concerned.

I was.

I need a plan.