A Sunday Musing



Sunday has always been a day of reflection for me.

I was raised Catholic and attended Mass up until I was sixteen years old. I was living in Europe at the time and attended Mass in impressive cathedrals and churches. I was exposed to music that still moves me today. The music, however, wasn't enough to keep me inspired to listen to "the word of God."

A friend of mine, who called herself agnostic, exposed me to a different way of thinking and viewing the world. She was a year old than I, sexually experienced, and very outspoken. Another friend had divorced parents who were bisexual. All of this ran counter to the teachings of the church.

I suppose I was fortunate, though. My Dad had converted to Catholicism in his early twenties and my Mom had been taught by the nuns to never read the Bible for fear that she would misinterpret it. Religion wasn't something shoved down my throat. It was definitely seen as a private matter. I am fortunate that I wasn't raised with Catholic guilt the way so many Catholics are.

My husband, Dave, and I married in the Catholic church. For me, it was simply a way to please both sides of the family. I made attempts throughout the first few years of my marriage to be a "good" Catholic with very little success.

I had been making attempts to return to the Catholic faith when my former lover Tim committed suicide. I was friendly with Father X at a nearby church and had sought counseling (prior to the suicide). The suicide threw me into a major depression that landed me on a psych ward. I asked my husband to please ask Father X to come and visit me (I was aware that he did visit the sick). I gave up after three requests. I reached a point of such despair that I realized that there couldn't possibly be a higher power in the universe. I was alone. It was up to me to pull myself out of the deep, dark, frightening place I was in.

Once I was out of the hospital, I began reading extensively about Agnosticism, Atheism, and Humanism. While I identify with Atheism, I have a difficult time getting past the militant state Atheism I had witnessed while living overseas in the 80's. I also don't like the way the word arouses antagonism in others. Humanism felt like a better fit. Humanists are concerned with meeting human needs and answering human problems without relying on a higher power for intervention.

I am fortunate to have found a humanist community close to where I live. A group of us meet twice a month to discuss different topics of interest. It is always a lively discussion.

I understand the need most people have to believe in a higher power. I accept that I am in a tiny minority.

Why is humanism not the pre-eminent belief of humankind? - Joyce Carol Oates