I Always Manage to Step In It

As part of a continuing effort to keep myself balanced and avoid extreme mood swings (I have mentioned in prior posts that I have Bipolar I disorder), I take a mood stabilizing medication.

Unfortunately, when I think I am feeling fine, I tend to stop taking the medication...thus setting myself up for disaster. These past few days (minus my medication) have been...tense.

On Friday afternoon, Drake and I met with Steve and Kelly--a couple we had lunch with a few weeks ago. Kelly and I arrived early, so she and I had a half-hour alone together. It was a very tense half-hour, chit-chat about the weather and our families, etc. I was very uncomfortable.

Kelly is the woman who emotionally vomited all over me a few weeks ago and I had mentioned to Drake that I was worried about her.

The men finally arrived and the tension eased a bit.

After we left, I mentioned to Drake how awkward it had been. He told me he had told her not to come on so strong to me.

That upset me.

I didn't want her to think I had betrayed her confidence, because I hadn't. I also didn't need Drake looking out for me. I know he meant well, but it bothered me.

So, I left the restaurant--and Drake--feeling a bit upset.

Saturday morning, I woke up feeling confused about my life, where it is going, what I am doing.

I sent an email to Drake telling him that I was wrestling with my feelings. I also told him that I felt that I was just an extracurricular activity to him [SO not true!] and that I was just someone to play with [again, SO not true].

I didn't hear from him until late Sunday. He said he had read my email, but needed to think.

"I have been very open about my feelings for you and to have this characterized as something meaningless is demeaning to both of us. I know this is confusing, but don't belittle me in the process. It isn't useful. I love that you are so emotional, but on the other side of that same coin is when you lash out with your frustrations at circumstances that are just facts of who we are and where we are in life. I would like to get to a place where you are more centered."

On Monday morning, we agreed to meet at the River. I felt anxious as he drove up.

I got into his car and we started talking about what I had said. He was visibly upset with me. He said that if I thought our relationship was headed that direction (i.e., sex only), he thought that it should end.

We finally worked it out where I would agree to stay on my medication so my brain doesn't go haywire on me.

We then sat and stared at each other until I leaned over and lay my head on his chest. He stroked my hair and kissed my head. I moved my face closer to his and we started to kiss.

"It's obvious we both need each other," he sighed.

I started rubbing his crotch and felt him getting hard. His hand slipped down my shirt to my breast.

"Get in the back."

He opened the door and I climbed into the rear seat. He quickly pulled off his pants, I pulled off one shoe and one leg of my pants and he started fucking me.

He came quickly.

He shook his head.

"I came here to talk only and I end up fucking you. You do something to me."