What If...?

It's Monday, so I met Drake at one of our spots. A Tex-Mex restaurant. I happened to be craving salsa today. Nearly three hours, five glasses of wine (him), and three light beers (me) later, we had a difficult time tearing away from each other.

He knows when I get hot and turned on. The tilt of my head, the slant of my eyes, the clearing of my throat. It is completely involuntary and I just can't hide it from him. Toward the end of the evening, when Drake and I are holding hands across the table and our knees are touching, he is all I can think about. He is all I want or need.

I have NO idea what I'm doing anymore. I feel as though I have temporarily lost my mind. On the drive home, I wondered whether I would beat my husband home. No such luck. His car was parked out front. But I knew he wouldn't ask where I had been. And he didn't. He was down in his studio.

I shouted out my greetings. "Hello! I'm home!"

A simple response from him. No questions asked. I was home.

The half-hour drive home had given me time to partially clear my head and gain my composure, but the evening still played out in my head.

Fuck. All I can do is live in the moment. I don't want to think ahead. I am enjoying today too much. Way too much.

When Drake and I parted in the parking lot, he walked around to his SUV (parked next to mine), hesitated, and then knocked on my window. I rolled it down and he leaned in. He told me that he was amazed that I have never left any scent behind in his SUV (which I spend a lot of time in!). I purposely don't wear perfume or strong body lotion. He repeated what he had said.

"I just find it really amazing!"

He held out his hand and I grabbed it. I was desperate to hold onto him for one last moment.

As I drove home, I went over the evening in my head. Beginning from the end. I have a very sensitive sense of smell and I wondered if not leaving behind my "scent" was actually a good thing. I thought about him years from now when we are no longer "us." I want him to catch a scent of me. How will he do that if there's nothing there to remind him?

Okay. I think I am beginning to sound ridiculous.

Our time together always starts out the same. Our family. Our jobs. The mundane stuff. Then it segues into us.

Today was slightly different. We both knew when it was time to leave. But we couldn't stop holding hands and staring into each other's eyes. He had made a surprising statement. He told me if his wife said she was leaving him tomorrow, he wouldn't care. I had always been under the impression that he would fight for his marriage.

Have I changed him?

I won't let myself contemplate what life would be like if we were together. As a legitimate couple. Not sneaking around. But when we've had a bit to drink, I can see it in his eyes and I know he can see it in mine.

What if...?