On Becoming (Being) a Serial Cheater (aka a Slut)

I wish I could say I feel guilty...but I don't.
I wish I could say I'll stop...but I can't.

I use the excuse that I married too young to explain why I am a serial cheater. The problem, though, is that I was sleeping around before I got married and getting married in my early thirties as opposed to my early twenties probably wouldn't have made a difference in relation to my ability to be faithful to one man.

Once a slut...always a slut.

My affairs have ended on many different notes:
The Mild: Where have you been? You don't answer my texts.
The Moderate: Go suck the life out of someone else!
The Extreme: Suicide.

My first affair began four months after the birth of my second son back in the mid-90's. I had been married for a little over three years. I met the guy, whose name I don't even remember, on a BBS or maybe it was AOL. I don't remember. There were certainly fewer options back then...

We chatted online for weeks until one day he told me he was moving and he wanted to meet me before he moved away. I remember driving in the pouring rain on a hot summer night down to DC to meet the guy. We somehow missed each other and I stopped at a payphone (this was long before everyone carried cell phones) to call him. He asked whether I would feel comfortable going to his place. I agreed.

I confess I was disappointed when he opened the door. He wasn't terribly good looking and he had this annoying voice--very nasal. His apartment was empty save a sheet, blanket, and pillow on the floor of the living room. I didn't want to turn around and leave for fear of hurting his feelings (I do have a heart), so we ended up engaging in mutual masturbation. End of story.

I actually behaved myself for a quite a few years after that. I got caught up raising my children and didn't have the energy or inclination to cheat. I discovered Adult FriendFinder back in 2002 and met a man not quite to my liking--but the slut had returned. Then I met Jim. He was brilliant, eccentric, and frequently depressed. It didn't last long and it ended badly...tragically.

It took me several years to recover from my affair with Jim. When I decided to climb back into the saddle again, I discovered Ashley Madison. I have met quite a few men through AM. Most I have had fun with. A few have had stalker qualities, though. Not fun.

I don't know why I feel such a driving need to seek attention outside of my marriage. My husband isn't a bad guy (he has known about two of my affairs--one being with Jim which caused a two-month separation between him and me). I've never sat down and seriously analyzed it. Although a former therapist tried to!

I'm good at compartmentalizing. I'm a gifted storyteller. I have a good friend who doesn't mind being my alibi. I am sneaky. I have a strong and relentless sex drive. In other words, the stars are aligned properly to allow me to cheat.