I feel very happy today, on this beautiful autumn day.
Not an over-the-top manic kind of happy that always gets me in trouble.
A content things-are-alright kind of happy.
Despite having tennis elbow that hasn't gone away after five weeks.
Despite needing a wisdom tooth pulled because my dentist says it isn't worth drilling and putting a crown on it.
Everything seems so right at the moment. I love the relationship I have with Drake. The sex is awesome. Our friendship is strong. We simply get along so well. We take advantage of every moment we have together. We enjoy each other's company.
Dave and I went to a Thai restaurant for dinner on Monday and then we watched a movie. Things are going well with him. I feel comfortable with him. At this moment, I truly doubt that I will ever leave him.
Also on the home front: My youngest son has found a therapist whom he likes. He is taking his medication and seems much less moody and discontent. He and my husband don't argue the way they used to. My oldest son, although still in love with a woman whose student visa expires next year, is taking life as it is thrown at him. What next year brings, I don't know. He is an adult, though, and he needs to make his own decisions.
Work is going well. Although I sometimes wish I had a job with more prestige, a job that made more money...I realize that I am happy telecommuting and setting my own hours. I love the flexibility of my job. I don't plan on giving that up any time soon.
I love my volunteer work. It is rewarding and makes me realize that my life is pretty darn good.
My mood disorder hasn't caused me any grief recently. Perhaps because I am faithfully taking my medication.
Am I acting too complacent? Am I walking through life with blinders on? Am I building a house of cards that could come crashing down?
I asked my older sister (my only sibling) what she thought. She knows all about my relationship with Drake, etc. She said that if being complacent keeps you from being overly stressed, it's okay.
<sigh>
Perhaps she is right!
I don't think we have to call it complacency. We can call it being wise enough to enjoy what you can enjoy when you can.
ReplyDeleteYou'd be pretty fuckin stupid not to, wouldn't you :)
True. I guess I don't always see life with the glass half full...I am often waiting for something bad to happen when I get TOO happy with my life! Does that make any sense??
DeleteI think you are confusing complacent and content.
ReplyDeleteWell... I am truly, terribly, terrifically content at the moment. I simply worry that I am letting my guard down and I don't see the dangers of my ways lurking around the corner!
DeleteThere is nothing wrong with being happy with things "as they are." Part of the danger of having an affair, blogging, stealing away to escape, is that we become addicted to the drama and danger of it all. Then, like you find yourself now, when we hit a sweet spot, we start to doubt it all.
ReplyDeletemy only warning to keep all of your processes in place that are keeping Drake and the husband apart from each other. Don't get lazy and get caught with the wrong picture on your phone.
;-) Don't worry, be happy.
Ah! Very good points. I have mentioned in past posts that Drake and Dave do know each other. I am careful about what I say. If Drake ever comes up, I always speak of him in a rather dispassionate way. It makes things easier
DeleteHey Luna,
ReplyDelete"I feel comfortable with him. At this moment, I truly doubt that I will ever leave him."
What of the opposite? Does Dave seem comfortable in the marriage too? Do you ever consider allowing Dave to move on so that he might find the kind of relationship that he seeks? I'm trying to wrap my mind around your thought process here. Dave is the father of your children, and I know that, even absent romantic love, you must have a strong desire for his happiness and well being. Why not release him to go forth in search of it? You have essentially sacrificed him for the sake of your own happiness, have you not?
Also, on a somewhat unrelated note, I read in your archives that you were always prone to promiscuous behavior even as a young woman. Did Dave know of this behavior, or did you allow him to see you as a partner with a low count as a way of inducing marriage?
You make it seem as though life is simply a black/white situation. It isn't. Also, when have I ever said that Dave is terribly unhappy in our marriage? Sure, we have our problems and faults, but overall...these days we've been getting along quite well. We're even planning a trip in the spring. Things aren't as bad as they seem.
DeleteDave is well-aware of my promiscuity before we married. I may not have mentioned this before, but he is also aware of two of my affairs during our marriage. Shocking, huh? Yet we stay together for multiple reasons.
Life isn't as cut/dry as you wish it to be, TheNewGuy!
What in your estimation is Dave's reason for staying? Granted, you aren't telepathic, and I know that you can't speak with certainty in answering this question, but as someone who has lived with him for more than two decades what would be your guess?
ReplyDelete"Life isn't as cut/dry as you wish it to be, TheNewGuy!"
This is true. In fact, I should clarify that I do not pester you, Luna, with these questions out of condemnation for not striving for a moral ideal. I ask because I am genuinely interested in the thought processes that guide your actions. Your arrangement with Drake is fascinating in that you two have a fair amount of integration between you (you know of and have met his spouse, he knows of and has met yours, community involvement, etc.), yet this proximity to "real life" so to speak doesn't seem to hamper the private world in which the affair is maintained. How do you do it? How do you for instance look at Dave and Drake in the same room all the while knowing that there is a tremendous amount of your life hidden from the one?
How does Drake for that matter feel no stabbing of conscience and bringing you into his wife's home, their life together?
Why does Dave stay? He tells me he love me.
DeleteI am very good at compartmentalizing, something you need to do in order to be successful at juggling two separate lives.
As for Drake. I am not certain how he does it. He simply doesn't feel any more guilt than I do.