Dave and I had to reschedule our marriage counseling appointment due to a scheduling conflict. I was questioning whether he would perhaps cancel on me, but he didn't. We arrived together at the appointed time (Thursday at 6pm) and met our new therapist.
We both like her. She appears to be very open minded and hit us with some difficult (yet simple!) questions that made us think. My husband did the majority of the talking in a very manic way. He seemed relieved to get a lot of our issues out in the open.
I won't go into great detail, but we both reached the conclusion (as though we hadn't years ago) that our marriage simply isn't working in the traditional sense. Dave brought up the idea of an open marriage several times and the therapist didn't seem shocked or surprised by his statement.
We left the session with a homework assignment. We need to write down the pros and cons of staying in the marriage.
However, we both got into the car and ended up diving more deeply into the concept of an open marriage. We realize that financially we need to stay together. Although our sons are older, they are not yet independent--they need us. Dave and I truly do care for each other. We consider the other to be a good friend. We accept that we're not longer *in* love with each other, but we still love each other.
On a very basic level, we simply aren't ready to end the marriage.
We went out for sushi and sat and talked for several hours. As we talked, I realized how underappreciated my husband is. I realized that he is this incredibly gifted man--a genius, in fact--who needs more understanding from me.
I suddenly feel more willing to accept him for who he is if he is ready to accept my desires.
I suddenly feel so...free!
Luna that sounds really encouraging.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear the session went well and that you guys are able to talk out in the open about some of these things.
I hope it continues to go well for you.
Wow! Great to hear! I was amazed at the times I've gone with Hubby to his sessions, and said the same things I've been saying, and the professional affirms it and suddenly H gets it and we talk more productively! I hope this will continue for you. Sounds like a good path!
ReplyDeleteTruly wonderful news, Luna! You couldn't ask for a better turn of events given the circumstances already in place. Now, you and Dave can find peace together as loving (but not in love) partners while both of you pursue the "in love" quality elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteLuna,
ReplyDeleteYou are en route to a new and better relationship. If you can come to a place where you have love, affection and friendship with Dave and still have drake on the side, all the power to you. Dave seems willing or at least sympathetic. Who knows, he may even have an interest he wishes to persue.
Remember this, as silly as it sounds, sex with Dave (if it happens) is not a violation of an open marriage, nor is it cheating on Drake.
Keep to the course, and get things to an open place - there is a difference between openness and too many details, but you know what I mean.
TTFN
Mr. No Name
@Ponyboy - Thank you!
ReplyDelete@Sassy - I think therapy will be very therapeutic for me and him! One session alone brought a lot out into the open.
@Anon - Too true! You are so right.
@MNN - Dave and I are already getting closer, as oddly as it sounds. Now that I feel this new sense of freedom, I feel more open and willing to do things with him. I don't feel that resentment I felt before.
I am pretty mindful about what I say to Dave. I have no plans to tell him about the extent of my relationship with Drake at this point in time.
I saw, but haven't read, the name of the follow-up post you just put up. It's like watching a TV series out of order..... I hope it's a happy ending.
ReplyDelete