I haven't posted for awhile. I've been really busy and now I have decided to apply to graduate school...which is going to make life even busier if I am accepted!
It's interesting. I received an email on Saturday from a wonderful and sexy man I met on Ashley Madison last year. Ironically, he discovered my blog by accident and he recognized my photo (I had posted it on AM). I hadn't quite committed my full attention to Drake at the time and I'll admit this man is the closest I have ever come to leaving Drake. It was terribly tempting, but in the end I decided that meeting him would be unfair to Drake. I made up a story about my husband finding something on my computer, because I wanted to let him down gently. We had some very hot email exchanges. I would love to see him write a blog. This man can write...and write well!
Now...on to the rollercoaster.
Dave (my husband) and I had a long discussion this past Friday night. We decided (once again) that our twenty-two year marriage was going nowhere and we should separate. We both took it well, understanding that we wanted to go out on top (like Seinfeld, he said) and part amicably.
The next morning, we sat our sons down to tell them (they are 18 and 21). They were understandably upset. Dave did nearly all the talking and I sat quietly. Silent. Stoic. Strong.
Or so I thought.
That afternoon I completely broke down. I think I cried on and off for the majority of the afternoon. I realized that I truly love Dave and that I didn't want things to end. Even though our sons are grown, they still need him (he was planning to move to another state--and that state is halfway across the country).
So we made the decision to enter into marriage counseling.
I wrote an email to Drake, telling him that I needed to break up with him because I really needed to work on my marriage. An email sounds harsh, but I knew we would eventually meet and talk about it.
The next morning, I received a very long email from Drake. He started the email with "Here is my piece. Sit down and fasten your seat belt!"
He wrote this incredibly detailed email, telling me changes I need to make in my marriage and the list I need to take with me to counseling (and he is correct on every count).
He also stated:
Finally, I am your Dom. Neither of us knew what would happen as we started this journey, but you need a Dom, I am yours. You will have to decide on the level of communication that allows you to focus on [Dave] and your family, but I am always your Dom, I am always your friend. I am not into predicting the future too much and what happens is really dependent on how things go with [Dave], but you need me to be behind you encouraging you, to get a fair deal for your future.
I realized that I couldn't possibly give up a man who knows me so (too?) well and cares about me so much.
And so it goes...
Me. Dave. Drake.
Back on the rollercoaster again.
Good luck to you Luna...whatever you decide Kitty's got your back!
ReplyDeleteGood luck...
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like a very tough situation.
Do you have any plans on letting Dave know about Drake? Either before or during the counselling?
WOW, that is a lot to digest. I know this may be contradictory to my previous comments, but here is what I would recommend:
ReplyDeleteStep 1: Quit Drake cold turkey. Say good bye and that you are focusing on your future with Dave. No more E-mails, calls or meetings. Give your relationship with Dave 100% of your effort.
Step 2: Introduce Dave to the 'real' you. Darke has been your world because you can be you with him, let Dave try to be that for you. Tell him about Drake, tell him what you liked about Drake (to include sexual preferences). Tell him everything.
Step 3: Renegotiate the terms of your marriage. You have ended things with Dave, now pursue things on a new level. If you want sexual freedom, tell him. If you want to enter a Dom relationship (sexual or non sexual with Drake or someone else), tell him). If you want him more engaged in things, tell him. This is your once chance to change things in your relationship, negotiate your ass off. Give him fair warning so he can prepare his list of things he will want from you - which may include no further contact with Drake.
Step 4: Begin your new life. If you and Dave reach an agreement, stick by it. If not, You can go back to drake or strike out on your own.
I hope this helps or at least provokes some thought.
TTFN
Mr. No Name
Wow! So much going on... thanks for the update. I will be thinking of you all and hoping for the best for you.
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your blog for a while and have enjoyed it. I have been "drake" more than my share of times in my life.
ReplyDeleteHere's the hard truth. Dump drake if you want to honestly make things work with your husband. This "Dom" message is bullshit. If he cared about your happiness and desire to work things out with your husband he wouldn't be lurking in the shadows waiting to grab you next time you slipped.
If you keep him around your just lying to yourself about giving your marriage a fair shot. Dump his email, screen his calls and erase him from your life. If things don't work out with your husband at least you gave it 100%.
You've told enough lies to others don't add yourself to the list.
@Kitty - Thank you!! :-)
ReplyDelete@Ponyboy - Telling Dave about Drake would certainly be a dealbreaker. I doubt we would make it past the first session of counseling.
@MNN I wish I could be more open in my marriage the way you and SM are. It just won't work. My husband is too entrenched in his views on marriage. Telling him about Drake would never work. Leaving Drake, when he has been such a stabilizing factor in my life, would be foolish on my part.
@Sassy - Thank you, Sassy! :-)
@Anon I can't erase Drake from my life. I know it sounds like a no-brainer thing to do...but I simply can't. I am too much in love with him. Yet I do want my marriage to work. I want it all. And yes, I know something is going to have to give eventually. :-(
Confessing Drake's presence may be a dealbreaker, but, despite the infidelity, I get the sense from reading through your archives that you are at base an ethical woman, Luna.
ReplyDeleteThat said, isn't it only fair that Dave know precisely what he's committing to if this marriage can continue? Shouldn't he be allowed the choice of whether or not he wants to deal with the issue of adultery?
Confession may be good for the soul, but it is also a very selfish thing to do. It makes you feel better at the expense of someone else. So I don't agree that you come clean about Drake in counseling.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I do believe that you do not renegotiate the terms of your marriage with your fingers crossed. You either go all in or you leave the table.
It would be different if you were just sticking around because of a sense of obligation or the children or one of the many reasons we give ourselves for staying in a place that no longer makes us happy. But that is not the case, you have offered to try and fix it.
So unless you plan to tell him about Drake, and give him the choice, you are only left with two honorable options. Either give up the charade of counseling, or commit to it.
@J - I know what counseling entails...being honest about everything. But I just can't be honest about it all. I am hoping that I can repair my relationship with Dave and keep Drake. I need both of them.
ReplyDelete