I don't shrink from being open about either my marriage or my affair on this blog. I try not to bad mouth my husband, although it isn't always easy not to do so. Contrary to what you might believe, I am a fair-minded person who tries to see the best in others.
It is getting more and more difficult to keep my frustrations with Dave to myself and not spill them out into the blogosphere.
Drake is quite vocal about how he feels about Dave. They know each other (casually). Drake thinks that Dave needs to grow up and that he is emotionally abusive towards me. Dave is prone to regular explosions of ridiculous irrationality and emotion and it is usually directed toward me.
I don't need Drake to tell me that Dave isn't the right man for me.
I know that.
However, his comments on my marriage and about Dave sometimes bother me.
I am trying to make the best of my marriage. I am in this marriage until I see an out and I haven't found one yet.
That may sound ridiculously selfish, but that's the way it is.
When Drake talks about his wife, I never make disparaging comments. In fact, I sometimes sympathize with her. Yes. Seriously. I know she is a very driven and inflexible Type A personality who has a fear of abandonment. I've picked this up through casual conversation with Drake as well as observing her during the few times I have encountered her.
It makes me uncomfortable when Drake bad mouths Dave. It's my own fault. If I wanted it to stop I could say something or simply stop talking about Dave. I can't. Drake is one of the few outlets I have. A person who will listen to me when I need to vent about (for example) Dave getting into a car accident (his fault) and trying to justify how he wasn't at fault or flying off the handle for some asinine reason.
A fellow blogger mentioned a similar situation (of sorts) on his blog and that prompted me to write this post.
Is it wrong to bad mouth your lover's spouse?
It certainly doesn't make a bad situation any better, does it?
I think you need to advocate for and understand but you have to understand there is a whole unknown world within a marriage that has lasted so many years. Someone on the outside can never know the shared experiences of buying a home, having children, vacations, etc. Because you don't know that you have to be careful about espousing your thoughts about the successes and failures of that marriage.
ReplyDeleteI think in the end you have to ask yourself is my comment helping or hurting and is it advancing this extra-curricular relationship. Often the answer is no and no, so be quiet.
Excellent points. Also, I don't spend a lot of time talking about Dave's good side when I'm with Drake, it tends to be all negative...my frustrations. Maybe I should start talking about the positive things he does and it might cause Drake to ease up on the negativity (that I'm feeding him!).
DeleteIf a lover needs to unload about her life with her husband to me, I listen. I encourage her, tell her I understand and sympathize. I might even tell her that she deserves to be treated better than that. I know that when I was with M, I did a lot of that. But I would never, ever, just volunteer my opinion about a lover's husband.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the inspiration for the post. :-) It helps when a lover listens and doesn't work so hard to "fix" the situation.
DeleteWhat Ryan said.
ReplyDeleteThanks. I appreciate the feedback. :-)
DeleteI am with you. WhenI was young, I would regularly talk to my friends about what an asshole my father was, but if they ever bagged on him, I'd get angry. He's MY Dad. I can talk shit about him, but you can't.
ReplyDeleteAs for my husband. I never really share much with my friends. "We just weren't compatible," or "We wanted different things," that's what I'd hear. Every once in a while someone would say something derogatory about "Josh," to which I'd say, "Thanks for the insight," which people would take as a hint to back the hell off.
I don't think you're selfish about sticking with your marriage, even if you're unhappy. It's a big, scary expensive world out there right now. What do you have to look forward to? Drake? Me don't think so.
Buck up Sister. We're all going to get through this.
Thanks. You're right, it is a big, scary and expensive world out there! I harbor no romantic notion that Drake and I will ever be "together" in any other sense than what we already have. As I said in a prior comment, perhaps if I start talking about Dave's good side, Drake might back down a bit!
DeleteI read "J's" post and then yours ... good timing.
ReplyDeleteThis is what I commented on "J's" post:
Talking negatively about other's spouses is a "no no" in my world of affair rules. Having an unequal level of sharing is also a "no no."
But I want to add that my personal approach as loverboy does complain to me about his wife often. And yes there are times that I complain as well but I really try to keep that in check as 1. we don't have a ton of time together so I certainly don't want it to turn in to "bitch" session about our spouses and 2. I clearly have less to complain about and as the good does outweigh the bad. Plus since neither of us are moving out anytime soon, we have two choices, work on our marriages (having an affair certainly doesn't help that) or deal with it and avoid complaining. Yes there are times when loverboy's home situation flares up and he needs to vent so I am there to listen. However I continue to suggest that he work on his marriage, engage in therapy, discuss things with the wife. And on the rare occasion, he does the same for me.
As far as discussing the good with the bad - that can be difficult as well. I know for a fact that loverboy doesn't appreciate hearing about the great time that hubby and I had out and about socially or what a great dad he was the other day at the ball field, or what a constant support he is to me in the real world, etc. I know that he gets upset because it can't be him thus I curb certain details of my married life. It is easier on both of us.
P.S. Short on time so forgive the horrible writing! I was rereading it after I published and just don't have the time to fix it up! ;)
DeleteIt's tough when things at home are rough, and it's equally tough on friends and loved one who hear the complaints and want to help make life for you better.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was still in my bad marriage, I admittedly vented to a few close friends frequently, and every one of them always had ideas to try to help. I welcomed those ideas, and tried to implement them, but eventually even those ideas bore no positive results. I think I kept venting because without it, and without people who were lovingly willing to hear me out that I would have given up. Thankfully I didn't.
Ultimately, maybe not having stopped Drake so far is because you seek some sort of confirmation that Dave isn't the best for you. Knowing it and having other people reaffirm it are quite different, after all. Whatever you do, however things work out, I'll still be here reading and supporting as best I can from afar. *hugs*
Stay SINful
Mr. AP
I would argue that maybe, just maybe, Drake is jealous of Dave's relationship with you...
ReplyDelete~shoes~
No, nothing good will come out of badmouthing someone else's spouse ~
ReplyDeleteIts like a job, I don't criticize my boss/company because the job feeds my family ~