Couples therapy ended last week. I saw the therapist alone over a week ago and I ended up telling her about Drake. In turn, she told me that I was either committed to the marriage (she put her hands together for emphasis) or I wasn't (hands apart).
Her simple solution was that I could leave Dave and be with Drake.
Yeah. Like it's really that simple!
She told me that she could no longer counsel us if I stay with Drake.
I lay in bed that night, thinking things really were black and white. No grey area.
I was wrong.
I can't accept black and white.
I woke up the next morning and carefully considered my options outside of b/w.
I approached Dave and told him that I thought it was best that we end counseling. We could save the money we spent on counseling and spend it on doing something together.
Terrible subterfuge, I know.
It worked.
He called the therapist and thanked her for her time. He added that we are in a better place now and no longer need her services.
I know. I know. What was I expecting to happen by telling her about Drake?
In other news. Drake was tested for trichomoniasis and his test result came back negative. I called my doctor and she said that trich can lie dormant for years and one can be asymptomatic. I suppose it was simply time for it to rear its ugly head.
Back to business as usual.
Grrr. I dislike therapists who don't understand grey areas. I still say it sounds like, at this point, that you're Polyamrous with Dave and Drake, Dave just doesn't know it. There are some ethical issues there, sure, but none so huge you have to break what's (mostly) working. Hugs and well wishes!
ReplyDeleteStay SINful
Mr. AP
Drake and I have gone beyond just a brief fling. You're right. I do feel that I'm in a polyamorous relationship and one party simply doesn't know about it!
DeleteWhat a horrible therapist. You're much better off not seeing them any more.
ReplyDeleteAll the best,
Max
Sadly, I have seen over a half-dozen therapists in my lifetime and not one has panned out. They all have their own agendas. It doesn't say much for the profession!
ReplyDeleteI think it's cause she was a couples therapist, rather than your individual one.
ReplyDeleteIf she was your individual one, I doubt she would have said that, but because she was also seeing Dave she knew she couldn't do it since Dave wasn't aware of Drake.
That's my guess at least...
But then again, I have zippo experience with therapists, if they are all like this one I can see people's hesitation - nothing in life is black and white, rarely at least.
I've heard that a good couples therapist will take each individual aside to hear their side of things. I assumed this was good practice, but now I wonder whether it is!
DeleteYou're probably correct. I suppose it's a conflict for her...but how do couples get anywhere if they can't be honest?
You are very correct. I find people in that profession get so uppity, the smallest thing sets them on a path of "I'm not comfortable so I am compromised".
DeleteMakes it about them, rather than their client.
I see this like a doctor telling you to come back when you feel better, and then you'll talk about being sick. Your relationship with Drake came out of the situation at home, and to treat Drake as a separate issue doesn't address your need to stray in the first place. What a horrible therapist, no, what a horrible approach. If she wanted to help, she could have encouraged you to tell Dave, explored why you were with Drake, and talked about your motivations at home. Instead she cuts off the conversation and looses a client.
ReplyDeletePonyboy has a good point though, as a couples therapist, she has to keep Dave's interests in the mix as well, but I still think it was poorly handled.
Great analogy.
DeleteYou know I can never tell Dave about Drake. It just can't happen, but I understand where you're coming from.
I suppose she also could have encouraged me to find my own therapist and stay in the marriage counseling.
What sanctimonious bullshit on that therapist's part. Yes, let me preach my morality on you, judge you and take your money.
ReplyDeleteThe world is a big, old ball of grey. Getting more gray everyday and you are embracing it and making it work for you. People love people differently, on different levels for different reasons. If you can love two men for all that they are and despite what they are not, onward and upward my sister. And they love you back? Bonus!
Yes. Exactly.
DeleteI have grown so tired of the traditional way of loving and although there are quite a few of us out there, apparently this therapist doesn't think a situtaion such as mine can work.
Her learning loss.
...and you're right...bonus!