Today it is all about me.
OF course this is my blog, so naturally it IS all about me.
Today is different.
I am Fucked. Totally Fucked. With a capital F.
I realize that I am totally...head-over-heels...in love with Drake. Nothing else seems to matter. I want to be with him. I can't stop thinking about being with him.
Anyone following this blog knows that Drake and I have developed a deep affecton for each other. I had no idea that when he pushed me over a chair and fucked me for the first time that I would be this deeply in love. Naturally, he had no idea, either.
SO there I was...driving home with Gotye blasting over my speakers...thinking what the FUCK? HOW the hell did I get to this point? Where the FUCK am I going to end up?
Thankfully, my husband is gone for the next eight days, so I have time to decompress without his constant yammering. The only problem is that I still need to deal with my two grown children who still live at home. They are 18 and 21 and pick up on my moodiness. My 21yo knows that I cheated on my husband with the Australian.
My oldest heard me arrive home from a drink with Drake and go into the living room, blast my music, and probably thought it better not to approach me.
He's no dummy. He read the incendiary email from the Australian and no doubt knows that my disappearances several times a week are due to my affair with Drake. I know he knows...
My son has his own issues going on. He is about to graduate from college and is in love with a woman from South America. My fear is that they will marry, have a child, and she will get lonely for her family and go back to her hometown...my grandchild in tow. I have an active imagination, no?
Anyway. I said it was all about me.
And so it is.
On Friday, Drake and I discussed us. He calls me fabulous and the most empathetic person he has ever met. He says that my husband is not the right person for me...even goes as far to blame the majority of my past emotional problems on him (which does have some truth). Drake knows that if I leave my husband, I will want a man who is the "whole package," not just an affair...which naturally means that he and I will be a thing of the past. His fervent wish is that this future man of mine will understand the relationship Drake and I have.
Ummm..yeah...sure...right.
Drake admitted to having fantasies about "us." Not fleeting fantasies, but full-fledged fantasies. I have wondered about that...now I know. I also know that his wife has a fear of being abandoned (how fucking convenient) and he has his adopted children (which I totally understand).
Drake also intimated that I am young (well, in his eyes!) and deserving of a relationship that I deserve. He worries that due to our age difference (nineteen years) that I would end up having to take care of him--although he claims that he is going to live to be 100 (he is in good health).
So...as I said...I am fucked. It would take an act of a god that I don't believe in to move the earth and bring Drake and me together. The cards are definitely against us.
I am trying to deal with this.
I have become an obsessive organizer. In the past few days, I have organized all my clothes, my shoes, my jewelry, my hair accessories. I have become a frequent customer at Bed, Bath & Beyond. They satisfy all my organizing needs. Hangers, plastic containers, shoe rackes, little boxes, jewelry boxes.
I am obsessed.
If I can't organize my life...I need *something* to organize.
I think I am losing my mind.
I have 2 years of filing to help you through this difficult time :/
ReplyDeleteI wish you the best and will be here for you.
TTFN
Mr. No Name
I recognized exactly the same thing in M, except that she is single now. That was why I had to end it, because there was no way she would let anyone else into her life as long as she was in love with me.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever do leave you husband, that is how he will prove that he loves you too, by letting you go.
Life is the shits sometimes, isn't it?
@ MNN Thanks for your support, you are a sweetheart. :-)
ReplyDelete@J Yeah, the shits is the best way to put it. I am trying to keep my chin up and not let this get me down...but sometimes it is a struggle.
I know Drake will have a hard time letting me go (we've talked about this), but he will if needed.
When I was younger, my mom made me clean my room every time I got dumped by a girl. She knew I'd have no romantic associations with things from the past while I was in that mood and that I'd clear-cut my entire room. She was right, and with my dating luck in high school, I had a very very clean room.
ReplyDeleteWe call in love with the most inconvenient people some times. If you are confident in your feelings, then you will be OK, be patient, take your time, deal with your husband honestly, then move forward knowing that someone will be out there for you, maybe Drake, maybe someone else, but someone right.